It has come down to this at last: me vs. the squirrels. And the squirrels are winning. These are not your normal brown or red squirrels; they're black, insidious, Darth Vader-esque squirrels, deep in the councils of the Dark Side of The Force.

And I want them out of my house.

Now, before you hit the SPCA speed dial button, let me explain. I like squirrels. I really do. This despite the fact that squirrels are - when you get right down to it - nothing but slightly cuter versions of rats. Still, they frolic, they play, they sit in my maples and natter away as if they really have something important to share with the rest of the world, some bit of squirrel philosophy that - if we could but understand - would end war, stop hunger and ring in a golden age for all mankind.

Or maybe they're just upset with the blue jays for raiding the feeders in the back yard and are expressing their displeasure the only way they know how.  It's hard to tell with squirrels.

Either way, I like ‘em, okay? But every fall, they decide I should like them more. I shouldn't simply put food out for them, bits of apple, nuts, seeds; I also should provide them with a place to hole up through the cold, winter months.

I don't open the door for the little rodents, heaven knows, but they find their way into my 100-year-old house anyway, through cracks and missing bits of mortar, maybe. At first - in late summer - they remain quiet and stealthy, skittering cautiously through the spaces between the walls, working their way steadily toward the attic.

Then, after they've taken up residence for a while, they no longer bother to hide their passage from the outside to the inside. They make more noise than a frat house full of drunken freshmen.

I'm almost sure they're throwing parties! I woke last night to the sound of Alvin and the Chipmunks' version of "Louie Louie" coming from the attic. But when I opened the door they were gone.

The floor was littered with peanut shells and half-chewed acorns.

I could put up with it, I guess, if for no other reason than it's easier to live with ‘em than to do something about it. But The Lovely Mrs. Taylor - a noted xenophobe - has other ideas. She will not share her home with bugs, mice, snakes or bats. And she absolutely will not share it with what are - as I mentioned earlier - cute rats.

I volunteered to stand guard in the attic, armed only with a .22 and a box of cashews (for bait, and in case I get hungry). But Mrs. T has seen me use a gun before and according to the terms of my probation ... well ... that's a story for another time.

Instead, I've gotten hold of a "live trap," which I intend to bait with peanut butter or corn or whatever it is cute rats like to eat. What I'm going to do with a live squirrel - assuming I catch one - I have no idea. Take it out to the woods, I guess, and let it go.

I'm a little worried that a squirrel needs more time to prepare a nest - or shelter, or condo, or whatever it is they usually hole up in for the winter - than he (or she) will have in the scant weeks remaining before the snow flies.

But I can't let that be my problem.

As the kid in the movie "Red Dawn" said just before he shot the Russian soldier: "He doesn't live here!"

If my trap works, neither will the squirrels.