I should preface this column by admitting I have a cell phone. A lot of folks hate cell phones in much the same way as their great-grandparents hated electricity, television, the automobile and "American Idol."

The fact is, there are people who are going to resist any new technology regardless of how beneficial it may prove to be in the long run.

I'll admit, however, the reasons most folks have for hating cell phones are good ones. It's not the fault of the phones themselves, but of the idiots yakking on them at the top of their lungs while invading your "sonic space."

Not everyone who owns a cell phone does this, of course. Mostly, it's just self-important twits that still think owning one is some sort of status symbol. It's not. My cell phone costs about half what my "land-line" phone does every month. If it weren't for the fact I can't get anything but dial-up internet service at my house, I'd have my regular phone service discontinued altogether.

At any rate, I like to think of myself as a conscientious cell phone user. I shut the thing off at theaters, restaurants, birthday parties, while getting romantic with The Lovely Mrs. Taylor. At family gatherings, I usually leave it in the car.

Still, there are people who are so "anti-cell phone" they consider the mere sight of one to be an affront to their delicate sensibilities. These folks, by and large, are offended by any technology more advanced than what you'd find in your average Amish household.

Both ends of the spectrum are badly in need of some "ejamucashun." To that end, I now present a brief quiz from Chapter One of "Mike Taylor's Guide to Cell Phone Etiquette" (available soon in bookstores everywhere, assuming I can find an agent willing to market this turkey). So take the quiz! Test your cell phone I.Q.!

QUESTION 1: You're on a first date at a fancy restaurant when your cell phone rings. Do you...

a) answer the phone and talk loudly for 20 minutes about your stock portfolio in an effort to impress your date?

b) push the little button that stops the ringing and apologize for the interruption?

c) let the phone keep ringing and tell your date, "It's probably just the president calling again for advice on foreign policy. I'll get back to him later."

QUESTION 2: You're in a romantic restaurant having a quiet meal with your wife when the guy at the next table makes a call and proceeds to talk long and loud about his new Lexus. He's on one of those "walkie-talkie" phones, so not only do you have to listen to his side of the conversation, you get to hear the bored, harried voice of the poor sucker on the other end. Do you...

a) ask him politely to keep it down?

b) ask him firmly to keep it down?

c) grab his cell phone, jump up and down on it, then insert savagely the remaining fragments into his left ear with the aid of a salad fork and pepper grinder?

QUESTION 3: You're car pooling with a co-worker when his cell phone goes off. He answers it and is soon embroiled in a raging argument with his teenage daughter over whether she can use the car this Saturday. The debate drags on interminably. Do you...

a) ask him politely if he can call her back later?

b) put your "AC/DC Live" CD into the stereo and crank it to full volume?

c) open the passenger door and push him out?

QUESTION 4: You've had a cell phone for a couple years now and have been more or less happy with the price, coverage and service. You see an advertisement for a "new and improved" cell phone offering more minutes, free long distance and a personally signed 8-by-10 glossy of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Do you...

a) ignore the ad?

b) sign up for the new service only to discover several unexplained "mystery charges" on your next bill (such as "alt-sys stp, $13.95" and "rm txs st, $32.19" and "mst chrgs, $12.22")?

c) get a job as Catherine Zeta-Jones' limo driver, wait until she's not looking, then open the passenger door and push her out?

QUESTION 5: You're driving down a busy street while eating a Whopper, smoking a Camel, drinking a Slurpee and trying to find "The Bob & Tom Show" on your radio. Your cell phone rings. Do you...

a) answer it and hope nobody gets in the way of your SUV?

b) ignore the phone, since it takes two hands to handle your Whopper and you're already doing it with only one?

c) open the bun of your Whopper, place your cigarette and cell phone on top of the all-beef patty, and throw the whole mess out the window, followed by the Slurpee?

QUESTION 6: You have one of those cell phones that takes and sends photos. While gassing up your SUV (for the third time today) you see a robber cleaning out the gas station's cash register. Do you...

a) grab your cell phone and dial 911?

b) shoot a photo of the robber and e-mail it to the police?

c) take off without paying for your gas, knowing that in all the confusion they'll never notice your minor - ahem - "indiscretion."

QUESTION 7: It's Friday and you're driving home from work at the end of a long work week. You're looking forward to the weekend off. Your cell phone rings and - checking the caller I.D. - you see it's your boss calling, most likely to ask you to work the weekend for some schmuck who just called in sick. Do you...

a) ignore the call in the hopes your boss will give up and call some other employee?

b) answer the phone, then make a bunch of "static" noises and pretend you can't make out what your boss is saying?

c) open the door and push yourself out.

YOUR SCORE: If you answered "a" to questions 1, 3 and 7, but "b" to questions 2 and 6, or "c" to questions 4, 5 and 3, or "a" to 1 and 2 but "b" or "c" to 7 but not 3 ... well ... look, basically, if you took this test at all you get an "A" as far as I'm concerned. The only thing the test really indicates is whether you have too much time on your hands.

If so, maybe you should call a friend on one of those walkie-talkie phones and have a long discussion about it. Just don't do it in my car.

To contact Mike Taylor with your questions, comments, or offers to change cell phone carriers, e-mail mtaylor@midmich.net or write via snail mail to: Mike Taylor, c/o Valley Media, Inc., PO Box 9, Jenison, MI 49429.