I have passed up a lot of good food in my life. Those who have seen me in person would no doubt question the truth of that statement, but I swear it's true.

Why would someone like me - someone who obviously enjoys his groceries - pass up food? In a word, fear of embarrassment. OK, that's three words, but it's still true. I fear the prospect of ordering food I cannot pronounce or food with a name so silly I feel like a fool just saying the word.

With regard to the former category - food whose name I cannot pronounce - I mostly blame the French, though Mexicans, Greeks and even our good friends the English must shoulder some of the blame.

Crackers au Moutarde, for example. They sound wonderful; pastry wafers with herbs, cheese and butter. I see them on menus at fancy restaurants from time to time, but I've never ordered any. Why? Because I don't want to give the waiter a chance to put on that waiterly look of disdain and say, "Do you mean the..." and then pronounce it with that snobby air of superiority that implies that not only can he correctly pronounce Crackers au Moutarde, he also has discovered the secret of cold fusion and is keeping it a secret because idiots like me can't be trusted with that sort of knowledge.

Moutarde could be pronounced "moo-tar-dey." Or maybe "moo-tard," although that one sounds like a learning-disabled bovine. Or maybe even "mow-tier-dai." The point is, with the French, you never know. They intentionally think up difficult words just to make Americans look stupid.

So, unless I bake some myself from a recipe in a French cookbook, I'll probably never get to enjoy Crackers au Moutarde.

I had the same problem with gyros for a long time. When they first became popular around here, I thought they sounded great. They're Greek, and being half-Greek myself, I thought I should give them a try. Then I realized I didn't know how to pronounce gyro.

Was it "jie-row?" "Guy-row?" "Gear-o?" I just didn't know.

Eventually I overheard someone with knowledge of Greek cuisine order one in a restaurant, and that solved my dilemma. (It turns out you can pronounce it "jie-row" or "yer-row," either is correct.)

Then there's fondue Bourguignonne, Carpaccio de Boeuf, Soupe a l'Orignon and Avocat et Oeufs a la Mousse de Crabe. Being French dishes, I'm guessing every one of them is better than the meatloaf I had for dinner last night, but I'll never know for sure, because I'm never going to give some supercilious waiter the chance to withhold his secret of cold fusion from my table.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is fast food. Why oh why must fast food joints give their entrees such idiotic names?

Time was you could go into most any greasy spoon and say, "Gimme a cheeseburger." The guy behind the counter would know what you meant and would, in fact, give you a cheeseburger.

These days, every franchise has its own lingo. Want a ham & cheese? That's a "Yumbo," or used to be, at Burger King. Want a fish sandwich? Order a "Whaler."

I can bring myself to say "Whaler" in front of a line of hungry diners, just barely, but not "Yumbo." Sorry, that one's just too stupid for words.

Likewise, Wendy's latest offering, the "Baconator." On the drive-through menu photo, the Baconator looks awesome: Bacon, meat, meat, more meat, with a little added meat just to be on the safe side.

But I'm supposed to walk up to the counter and (with a lame Ahnold accent, I assume) say, "Hello. I vould like ze Baconahter, please! Und gif me zome fries with dat."

Can't do it. I don't want my food to have hard-to-pronounce or cutesy names. For cryin' out loud, I just want it to taste good.

Looks like meatloaf again tonight.

To contact Mike Taylor with your questions, comments, or recipes for Flan au Roquefort, e-mail mtaylor325@gmail.com or write via snail mail to: Mike Taylor, c/o Valley Media, Inc., PO Box 9, Jenison, MI 49429.