I'd like to state now, up front and for the record, that I do not, under any circumstances, recommend the drain cleaning product mentioned in my column of two weeks ago. It is unsafe, an environmental nightmare, a health hazard to rival avian flu, bubonic plague, and Republicans. Whatever you do, for the love of all that's holy, don't use it!

Especially don't use it if you're one of the literally hundreds of readers who sent me letters and e-mails requesting the name of the aforementioned product. It is, I repeat, too dangerous!

OK, that's out of the way. Hopefully, it's enough to keep me safe from the sort of people who sue McDonald's because their coffee's hot.

That said, the name of the drain cleaner is - drum roll please! - "Clobber" and it works great!

Since writing the "Hair in the Drain" column, I've done a little research and found out a bit more about the product. It turns out Clobber is manufactured by a company called Hercules, using the same basic ingredient found in the blood of those aliens in the Sigourney Weaver movies.

Clobber is 93 percent "virgin sulfuric acid," which means it's not safe to put in your coffee, even if it is the stuff served at McDonald's. According to one plumber's Web site, it "disintegrates paper, rags, food scraps and all organic matter. It melts ice, liquefies grease" and will completely dissolve that body you've been storing in your freezer and can't figure out what to do with. (OK, so I made that last bit up. Sue me. No wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!)

Anyway, the stuff is strong. Unfortunately, it's so strong that it will also dissolve drains made from stainless steel, aluminum, chrome and galvanized steel. If your pipes are plastic, well, they might as well be made of warm Play-Doh, as far as Clobber is concerned.

I should point out that most of the Web sites I visited while researching Clobber refuse to sell it to non-plumbers. I'm not sure if there's an actual law preventing them from doing so, but there might be. Maybe they're just afraid of what regular folks like you and me might do with the stuff. (Like taking care of that body in the freezer.)

At any rate, if you can find a hardware store that will sell it to you, that's cool. Just don't mention my name. I don't have much, but what little I do have I can't afford to lose in a lawsuit to some lady who added Clobber to her McDonald's coffee because she misunderstood what I said in paragraph six.

I know there's at least one hardware store that sells Clobber to the general public. They sent a letter saying that next time I mention a plumbing-related product in my column, I should give them a call first and let them know, so they can stock extra of it. Apparently, they had a run on Clobber the day after the original column was published.

Frankly, I had no idea my little essays could have that sort of influence on the reading public. But now that I do know, I'm doing what any red-blooded American would do - trying to come up with ways to scam a few bucks out of it.

I figure that maybe I could set myself up as the plumbing version of Oprah and her "book club." However, unlike Oprah, I'd be basing my recommendations not on the actual worth of the product in question, but rather how much the manufacturer is willing to give me in kickbacks.

Or maybe I could land an actual endorsement deal. That's right, Clobber execs, for a reasonable rate, I will be to Clobber what Suzanne Summers is to the ThighMaster! Send me a juicy check and I'll find a way to work your product name into every single Reality Check column from here on out!

Would that make me a sellout? Heck, yeah! But I'm 52 years old, man, and broke. If I don't sell out soon, I'm never going to get to retire. And somebody already used that spilled coffee scam.

(Also, that "Republican" comment in paragraph one was just a joke, folks, to make my old man happy.)

To contact Mike Taylor with your questions, comments, or product endorsement deals, e-mail mtaylor325@gmail.com or write via snail mail to: Mike Taylor, c/o Valley Media, Inc., PO Box 9, Jenison, MI 49429.